Bringing suicide out of the shadows
“I am the face of suicide,” Katherine Benson said.
It’s a sunny afternoon. We are sitting on the back porch of her condo in Eagle Crest. Five or six horses wander on the other side of the lodgepole fence about 20 feet away.
Looking at Benson, calm and composed, only a hint of waver entering her voice, it’s hard to imagine her less than two years ago.
“The first time I attempted (suicide), I was living in a care facility and I took an overdose,” Benson told me.
After a sip of sweetened iced tea, she continues, describing the first time she tried to take her life.
At the time, Benson was living in a care facility, recovering from brain surgery. A registered nurse, she knew the effect the overdose would have. Walking out of the care facility after taking the drugs, she sent her daughter a text.
“I love you so much, please forgive me,” Benson recalled typing, and her voice wavers for the first time in our interview.
Her daughter’s boyfriend would call Bend police. They would find her slumped in some bushes near the post office on Northeast Fourth Street.
Benson describes the months leading to that moment as a perfect storm. She was diagnosed with an incurable neurological condition. She had brain surgery, got meningitis and was in a coma.
“And I woke up and my husband said, I don’t want to be a caregiver.”
She says her family fled, everyone but her kids distancing themselves, embarrassed by her attempt to end her life.
“The second attempt was much more serious,” Benson said. She is careful with her words. Well educated on suicide prevention, she explains discussing the exact manner of her attempt is considered to be harmful to the cause. We leave it at ‘self-injury and medication.’
“I enacted my plan, lay down on my bed, expecting to not wake up. And three hours later, I woke up.”
In that moment, she tried to get up and failed, passing out again on her bed. There, she describes a near-death experience and feeling a new purpose in life.
“I needed to share the message that suicide is preventable,” Benson said, reading from an essay she has posted on her website.
We have moved into her dining room, her laptop open in front of her on the dining room table. Her website is called waitingforaribbon.com, named for the lack of attention given to suicide prevention.
Her own personal mission got going in earnest during a night of watching two hours of TV. In that time, she says she saw public service announcements for drunk driving, autism and cancer. None for suicide.
“Those of us who are able need to out ourselves and say, ‘I am a suicide survivor, and my life matters just as much as anyone’s, even a beloved celebrity,'” she continued reading.
The essay recounts her experience as a suicide survivor and prevention advocate, getting a call from a reporter after Robin Williams’ death.
She’s not bitter that it took the death of a celebrity to shine a light on suicide prevention. Instead, she sounds grateful for the opportunity.
I vainly wonder if she’ll write about the experience of our own interview.
Before my thoughts can wander, she reminds me the primary message she wants to deliver. There is hope. There is help. You can get better.
Resources:
Deschutes County Crisis Line: 541-322-7500 ext. 9
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK
