Opinion: I’m a flight attendant. You need to get over your reclining seat rage

(CNN) — Last night on a flight from London to New York, a passenger rang his call light, and when my colleague walked over, turned off the light and asked him if he needed something, he simply pointed to the reclined seat in front of him.

The flight attendant told him that his seat was also in the reclined position, and then mentioned that the seat next to him — the aisle seat — was available and that he could sit there. The man said he didn’t want to move to the aisle seat because he wanted to sit by the window.

Sometimes there are no solutions to problems like this.

Another day, another flight: “If you put your seat back one more time, I’m going to punch you in the face,” said an older woman to a teenage girl seated in front of her. The young girl’s eyes looked like they might pop out of their sockets.

While standing in the aisle pouring a can of Diet Coke into a cup of ice, I told the aggrieved passenger that nobody was going to punch anyone and that if she said another word about it or did anything to anyone, authorities would be called to meet the flight.

“He’s in my lap!” cried a different passenger on a different flight. This one sat in the window seat.

I looked at the woman, and then at the man in front who was clearly not in her lap. He was close though, about a foot away. Sorry, I mouthed. I handed her a can of club soda and a cup of ice and communicated to her in words I knew she’d understand: “Unfortunately he’s allowed to be in your lap.”

Besides lack of wifi or a broken entertainment system, flight attendants hear more complaints about reclined seats than anything else.

The heart of the problem is that airlines are packing too many seats too closely together into a tight space. Remember legroom? But this squeeze doesn’t give passengers the right to react in such a way that the crew feels the need to divert a flight to have a passenger removed. That’s a really big deal that usually ends up with someone in police custody.

While I dread these altercations, I think some passengers need to chill out — people have the right to recline their seat. Nobody has to ask for permission to recline their seat. Some people believe passengers have to put their seats in the upright position during the meal service. This isn’t true. At least not with US carriers, even though it’s a nice thing to do.

A recliner is allowed to recline, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. If you kick the seat or threaten to punch someone in the face, you’ll be the one removed from the flight — not the person who moved their seat back two inches.

Not all airlines are created equal. Yes, some airlines are taking away the recline option on all seats, but these are mostly low-cost carriers, which should tell you something about what those passengers want: cheap flights … including seats that don’t recline. (A friend who often flies Air France on short and medium-hop routes in Europe tells me that their seats are all locked upright. “I’ve never seen anyone get worked up about it,” he said.)

Airlines are desperate to cut costs. It’s rumored that American Airlines removed a single olive off of business class meal trays and saved $40,000 a year. So, you’d think that 150 lighter seats per flight will certainly save an airline a ton of money. Remember, the recline mechanism in the seat makes it heavier, which increases fuel costs for the airline. A lighter seat that doesn’t recline is also a seat that is less likely to break, which saves an airline money in repairs.

Non-reclining seats are nothing new. Major carriers have always had a few seats that don’t recline. Think exit rows and the last row. While some passengers aren’t always happy to get one of these seats, it never seems to be that big of a deal.

But after 28 years in the job, I’ve found there’s some basic reclining etiquette that makes for a smoother flight for everyone.

A reminder: chances are the person in front of you has no idea they’ve crossed that mental barrier between you and the rest of the world. You can’t kick them or scream at them, but you can politely ask if they’d mind putting their seat back up. I bet if you ask nicely, they’ll do it.

If you’re a passenger who likes to recline, it’s always a good idea to be mindful of the situation that we are all collectively in, and do so slowly. Yanking the seat back too quickly could make a mess if the person behind you has their tray table down.

Sure, everyone feels cramped in coach seats. But the bigger you are, the tighter the squeeze, so consider glancing back before you adjust your seat. If it’s Shaquille O’Neal behind you, maybe give the guy a break.

We do see spilled drinks and from time to time, broken laptops. Seasoned business passengers know what to expect and book seats with more legroom. But on coach, middle seat passengers struggle to type because there’s no arm space. The table is so much smaller these days, and there’s barely room for a drink. So if you think you’re going to work on your laptop and balance a cup of coffee on that table, well, you might need to seriously rethink your spatial judgement.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned flying the unfriendly skies it’s this: you can’t please everyone. Somebody is going to suffer, somebody is going to have a miserable flight, somebody will be assigned the last row, or a middle seat, or will have to come into contact with a child. Now I’m going to tell you what I used to tell my son when he was little every time we traveled together: there’s no crying in flying. Toughen up.

Really, this isn’t a war on reclined seats. This is about space, and most airlines give you the option to purchase more space. So, remember that next time you’re searching for the cheapest flight.

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