5 ways to support your friends with cancer, according to CNN’s Sara Sidner

Editor’s note: As part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we bring you a special episode of the podcast “Chasing Life with Dr. Sanjay Gupta.” It’s a frank discussion between three friends about the disease, which two of them are facing. You can listen to it here.  

(CNN) — What would you do if your best friend (or sister, aunt, daughter) told you she had breast cancer? Would you know how to support her — or even what to say?

CNN correspondent Stephanie Elam faced that situation when her best friend from college, Ananda Lewis, a content creator and former MTV VJ, was diagnosed with the disease almost six years ago.

Last year, it happened again when Elam’s close friend and work colleague, CNN anchor and Senior National Correspondent Sara Sidner, said she too had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Sidner announced it to the world in an emotional segment on live TV.

Sidner and Lewis have a lot of company.  One in eight women in the United States will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime, according to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. Early detection and better treatments have increased survival rates — there are more than 4 million breast cancer survivors in this country — but the disease is expected to kill more than 42,000 women in 2024. And there is a persistent mortality gap between Black and White women: While Black women have a 4% lower incidence rate than White women, they have a 40% higher death rate from breast cancer.

Elam sat down with Sidner and Lewis for a candid discussion about each of their journeys and the lessons they’ve learned along the way. You can listen to their conversation here.

Every breast cancer story is personal

While the individual tales of each person with breast cancer share some of the same contours, the details and the story arcs can be vastly different.

Most patients are women, but a small fraction are men. There are different types of breast cancer, and people are diagnosed at different stages (both Sidner and Lewis were stage III).

Like Lewis, some women with breast cancer have a family history of the disease, but 90% to 95% don’t.

This fact shocked Sidner. “I don’t know of breast cancer in my family,” Sidner told Elam during their conversation. “I said that to (my doctor). ‘How did I end up getting it if it’s not my family?’ He goes, ‘About 95% of people with breast cancer don’t have it in their family.’ And I’m like, ‘Then why do you ask? Because we all think we’re safe!’”

Mammograms detect many cases of breast cancer, but some women – including both Sidner and Lewis – discover it on their own. Although routine breast self-exams  are no longer recommended as part of screening guidelines, many health professionals still see a value to them.

Sidner adamantly agreed. “I just I feel very strongly that we need to know our bodies, that we need to be able to touch ourselves and make sure you know what it is that you normally feel like and what is abnormal. And go get checked,” she said.

Of course, women choose different treatment options, depending on their own diagnosis, prognosis and overall health, values and priorities. Lewis and Sidner went down different paths, with Sidner choosing conventional therapies — including surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and medication — and Lewis opting, initially, for an alternative approach.

With all these differences, it’s hard to always know how to support someone going through a breast cancer journey or any other life-altering diagnosis.

For her part, Elam had to readjust her relationship with each friend. Her advice: Pay attention to their moods and listen to what they need. “If you’re not sure, you can ask how you can best support them as they are in their cancer journey,” she said via email.

How can you show up or be present for a family member or friend in a meaningful way? Sidner has these five tips, plucked straight from her own experiences.

Reach out, but don’t expect a reply

Do send a text, email or voicemail with a disclaimer such as “You don’t have to respond; I just want you to know I’m here when you need me” or “I love you – that’s the message,” Sidner said via email.

“Reach out in such a way that doesn’t demand or require a response. Don’t get upset if the person never responds or responds many days, weeks or months later,” she added.

“When you are initially diagnosed and being treated for cancer you do need to know people care about you, but it can stress you out if you feel pressure to respond to every message, letter or email while you navigate the complexities of treatment and your own emotions,” she explained. “It can feel really overwhelming.”

Elam intuitively understood that need. “Neither of my friends wanted constant contact,” she said. “But if they go silent for a prolonged period, I found just sending a text of encouragement was enough of a long-distance hug.

“This is about them; not you. So, make it clear that they don’t need to respond – you’re just sending love and you’re here when they need you,” she said.

In other words, let them know you’re there — with no strings attached.

Food, glorious food

Thinking of sending a gift? Instead of giving blankets and candles – unless you know for sure the person needs them or loves them — try a gift card for a food delivery service, Sidner advised.

“Many of us receive so many blankets and candles that we have to donate some of them, which in turn makes us feel guilty for giving something away from a friend or colleague, even if it is to help other people,” she said.

“Good nutrition is such an important part of healing, but during treatments cooking can seem like a chore you simply don’t have the energy to do,” she explained.

Sidner noted that during chemotherapy, your sense of smell can be heightened, “which means strong odors like chopping onions or garlic (which usually makes a meal delicious) can set off nausea or just be really unpleasant. Food delivery can be really wonderful and helpful.”

If whipping something up in the kitchen is your thing, a favorite dish left at the front door is also greatly appreciated! (Just text and leave it behind unless you are invited in.)

Dial the sympathy down just a bit

Do treat your friend or family member with care but not pity, Sidner said.

“It is deeply reassuring when you are not being treated like you are made of glass or like you are going to die,” she said. “It’s lovely to be able to laugh or tease each other or talk about regular life stuff without always having to think about cancer.”

Elam intuitively knew that she had to keep it light at times. “Sometimes our job is to be the distraction,” she said. “I found with Sara and Ananda, sometimes just sending funny memes or giving updates on other aspects of life allowed them to just enjoy some normalcy. Neither of them just wanted me sitting around looking at them with puppy dog eyes.”

Got that? Save your puppy-dog eyes for something else.

Use caution when sharing your experience

Do share wisdom; don’t share horror stories, Sidner said.

“If you know someone who has experienced the same type of cancer, do share any tips that helped them get through it,” Sidner said. “I cannot tell you how many times someone said ‘Hey, my wife said to try this cream for radiation burns’ or ‘Try this to help with nausea or sleep.’”

In most cases, it’s probably best to keep the anecdotal everything-went-wrong stories to yourself.

Be a friend matchmaker

Do make connections between cancer survivors, Sidner advised.

“If someone you know has experienced cancer and they are willing to share their experience with someone who is newly diagnosed, it can relieve so much anxiety,” she said.

“Learning from women who have been through the same treatment as I was going through, or (was) about to start, was a game changer for me — especially when it came to surgery,” she explained.

Sidner said that after one informative conversation with a cancer survivor, she was able to request, in the physician’s own lingo, so many things — right down to the kind of incision she would like them to do.

“No jokes, it made me feel a little more in control of a situation that, for the most part, felt completely out of my control even though it was my own body going through it,” she said.

Limit the inquisition

One final bit of advice from Elam:

“As you are there for your loved one going through their cancer treatment, avoid asking a ton of questions about their procedures. Let them tell you,” Elam said. “It’s our job to love them where they are mentally or physically, and the answering of all the inquiries can be fatiguing.” 

We hope these five tips help you support a loved one going through breast cancer or any other life-altering diagnosis. Listen to the full episode here. And, just in time for Halloween, join us next week on the “Chasing Life” podcast when we serve up the bittersweet truth about sugar and how it affects our health.

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CNN’s Jennifer Lai contributed to this report.