Experts explain phenomenon of adults who leave their lives behind
Flyers of formerly missing Maui woman Hannah Kobayashi are on display outside Crypto.com Arena in downtown Los Angeles in late November.
(CNN) — A family man from Wisconsin. A spirited artist from Hawaii. An Ivy League graduate from Maryland. At face value, Ryan Borgwardt, Hannah Kobayashi and Luigi Mangione lead distinct lives and come from disparate backgrounds. Yet, they all took unexpected paths, disappearing from their jobs, routines, friends and family.
Hundreds of thousands of adults are reported missing each year in the United States, according to data from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Some run away intentionally, according to former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe.
“As an adult, you can just decide to leave your life and go start somewhere else, or go seek something, whatever that might be,” McCabe told CNN.
There are many reasons why a person would run, such as pressures at work, financial troubles, health issues, romantic relationships and social media, McCabe adds. These variables can lead to increased anxiety and stress, according to experts who note some people who don’t have the emotional tools to cope with these issues may find it is easier to opt out of their current life and start a new one.
Oftentimes, law enforcement designates these individuals as voluntary missing persons, McCabe said. This month, Kobayashi was declared a voluntary missing person after Los Angeles police say she traveled to the US-Mexico border and crossed into Mexico alone.
The 30-year-old has since been “found safe” her family announced this week but has not returned to the US. A family statement did not indicate where Kobayashi was or how the family determined she was safe. CNN has reached out to Kobayashi for comment.
Kobayashi’s family is still reeling from the death of her father, who killed himself a few days before Thanksgiving after he traveled to Los Angeles to search for her.
As cases of missing Americans continue to captivate the public’s attention, this culmination of events is not necessarily a coincidence, according to Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety and is based in Los Angeles. It is not uncommon for adults with full lives to have passive thoughts about walking away from everything they know, Cook said. Before leaving Hawaii, Kobayashi had expressed a desire to disconnect from modern technology, according to the Los Angeles Police Department.
While extreme, these recent stories speak to the “great level of overwhelm people are feeling,” Cook, who is not involved with any of the cases, told CNN. “They don’t always know easy solutions to their problems, and so then they do find themselves wanting to run away and escape it all.”
Why would an adult run away?
Running away from home is a common threat young children make when they are angry or feel misunderstood, experts say. As we age, we usually learn how to regulate our emotions. But not every adult does, and without that skill, life changes and anxiety can become too much for one person to handle.
“When people don’t know how to self-regulate, they can unfortunately make some really dire choices,” Cook said. Many people, through no fault of their own, are not taught how to self-regulate as they develop into adults, she added.
In 2023, more than 563,000 missing person reports were recorded by the National Crime Information Center, a database run by the FBI and comprised of criminal data, including missing persons cases involving minors and adults.
For about half of those cases, optional criteria were used to help classify a person’s disappearance as an abduction or voluntary, according to an NCIC report. Of those cases, approximately 95% were labeled as runaways, data shows.
Some runaways may be responding to too much stimuli, Cook adds.
“When someone is so taxed neurologically day after day after day, eventually they’re not going to have the same cognitive capacities to make decisions as somebody who is well rested and feels capable of managing what’s going on in their life,” Cook said. Someone with an overloaded brain can begin to dissociate from their lives and ultimately become removed from their ability to empathize with others, Cook said.
Voluntary missing people and those in “extreme escapism situations” are more likely to make reckless decisions that not only harm themselves, but their loved ones as well, Cook added.
Going missing is not a crime. Sometimes
Local law enforcement agencies across the country are responsible for investigating missing persons cases, according to McCabe. When it comes to missing people under 21, authorities are required by law to report every missing persons case to the National Crime Information Center, even if they left of their own accord. However, if an adult voluntarily leaves, there is not much local law enforcement or the FBI can do, McCabe said.
“Unless there’s some reason to believe that there might have been a crime involved (authorities) can’t afford to take the time and effort to basically unwind all of that person’s history and movements,” McCabe said. Missing persons investigations often involve forensic analysis, gathering cell phone data and requesting search warrants, he said.
“That is expensive,” McCabe said. Missing persons investigations require a lot of manpower, according to McCabe, taking precious time away from public resources like police officers, forensic analysts and judges. If a person is missing because they want to be, those resources are not being used fairly, he said
That is a hard truth to grapple with for both investigators and the families of missing adults. “There’s nothing criminal about” going missing voluntarily unless you commit a crime in the process, McCabe noted.
Last week, Borgwardt was charged with one count of obstructing an officer after Wisconsin officials say the 45-year-old staged a kayaking accident and faked his own death before traveling to Eastern Europe, leaving his wife and three children.
For seven weeks, the Green Lake County Sheriff’s Office searched for Borgwardt’s body but didn’t find it. Eventually, officials uncovered evidence Borgwardt fled to Europe by way of Canada.
Wisconsin investigators say Borgwardt faked his own death for a “number of reasons,” and have remained tight-lipped on exactly where he was as authorities spent weeks searching for him. Borgwardt has not released a statement regarding his actions, and neither has his family. Borgwardt, who does not appear to have an attorney, did not respond to CNN’s request for comment.
In another high-profile case, Mangione, the man facing a second-degree murder charge in the death of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, was reported missing last month by his mother. One of his attorneys has denied his client’s involvement in the killing in New York and anticipates he will plead not guilty there to the murder charge, among other counts.
Mangione’s mother hadn’t spoken to her son since July, she told police in San Francisco, where she knew he had been living. His phone consistently went to voicemail, which was also full, she told police. It also appears Mangione disappeared from social media this year. In July, a user tweeted at Mangione, “I haven’t heard from you in months.”
The 26-year-old appeared to be driven by anger against the health insurance industry and viewed the targeted killing as a direct challenge to “corporate greed,” according to an NYPD intelligence report.
For every voluntary missing person who is found, there is another who is never located.
Families who feel like no one is searching for their loved one are encouraged to persistently follow up with the investigating agency involved, McCabe said. “It’s entirely possible that law enforcement might come across them in the course of their duties,” he said.
The age of overwhelm
In recent years, the percentage of American adults reporting anxiety and depression symptoms significantly increased, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. During 2022, about one in five adults aged 18 and older experienced any symptoms of anxiety (18.2%) or symptoms of depression (21.4%) during a two-week period.
Anxiety and stress can have major health implications and can motivate people to do things they normally wouldn’t do, said Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, a developmental psychologist and senior research scholar in psychology at Clark University.
“Depression is different,” Arnett said. “Depression usually comes with a certain lassitude. You don’t feel like doing anything. But anxiety and stress are the opposite, and they make you want to do something to relieve that condition.”
Anxiety and stress can be managed through communication, therapy or medication, experts note.
Current anxiety levels are particularly elevated for people aged 18 to 29, Arnett said, noting the Covid-19 pandemic’s impacts on mental health. Cook agrees, noting the financial disparity between Millennials and Baby Boomers plays a role.
“Young adults today, they’re not able to afford housing, they’re barely living paycheck to paycheck,” Cook said. “They’re feeling so overwhelmed by all of these different things that they saw their parents do seemingly more easily, and that gets really defeating over time.”
Along with poor health care, increased cost of living and rampant gun violence in the US, the current political climate is prompting some Americans to consider leaving the country, Cook said.
Using anxiety to your advantage
When a person is so stressed they feel like a tea kettle ready to boil, Cook and Arnett say they should prioritize communication. Sometimes that looks like calling a friend.
“If the distress gets to the point where you feel like it’s interfering with your daily functioning and with your relationships, and that you really are on the verge of doing something extreme, then it’s time to get help,” Arnett said. “It’s time to talk to other people about it, especially the people you’re closest to.”
Withdrawing from family, friends and social media can be a signal something is wrong.
Anyone looking to make a drastic life change should try to include their loved ones in that decision, Cook said, so they don’t worry unnecessarily. “Our human brains go to the worst places,” she said. “It becomes problematic when people aren’t communicating their plans to walk away.”
Cook also recommends seeing a therapist to help relieve tension. Breath work, exercise and journaling are some of the many practices someone can implement or consistent relief, according to the CDC.
Ultimately, Arnett argues stress and anxiety can be harnessed and used to someone’s advantage if they can identify the stressors.
“Anxiety is a motivator, and so it’s possible to use it constructively,” Arnett said. “What are those things for you? And how can you relieve that sense of being oppressed by them and threatened by them?”
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Editor’s Note: This story contains discussion of suicide. Help is available if you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters. In the US: Call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Globally: The International Association for Suicide Prevention and Befrienders Worldwide have contact information for crisis centers around the world.
