Opinion: I’m a former hostage. What I thought when I saw Hamas release captives

(CNN) — In the summer of 2014, as a 19-year-old undergraduate student in London, I travelled to Iran to visit relatives. At the time, I was a citizen of Iran, Finland and the UK. Shortly after my arrival, I was questioned about my involvement in British local politics as a young conservative, as well as about my trips to both the US and Israel as an exchange student. Though I was neither involved nor interested in Iranian affairs, I was now perceived as “an infiltrator,” treated as a national security threat and told I couldn’t leave the country.

In 2016, I was arrested on trumped-up charges of espionage for MI6 and alleged “infiltration” of the Iranian political system. Behind these farcical national security charges, Iran was committing the crime of hostage-taking by using me – and a number of other Iranian dual nationals – as a political pawn in its diplomatic tangoes with the West.

The hostile environment within which my captors held me in Evin prison was designed to disempower and dehumanize me altogether; I was frequently threatened with execution, sleep deprivation, abandonment without food in my solitary cell and placed in stress positions as punishment. This meant that I had no choice but to obey the rules of my captors or else I would suffer.

When it came to the day of my release, my captors did not care to inform me. The uncertainty and the unpredictability of captivity was part of the psychological torture inflicted. They wanted to exert power and control over our fates until the very last minute of captivity. During my transfer out of prison, I had no idea where I was being taken. In fact, given the number of threats I frequently endured, I was often paralyzed by the fear that I could be assaulted or killed at any moment.

The past few weeks have seen renewed efforts to pause the fighting between Israel and Hamas in exchange for the release of hostages held by the Palestinian militant group. As someone who knows the torment of being a captive first hand, although under different circumstances, I fervently hope that the sides will reach an agreement to free more of those who are held and find a permanent solution to the war in Gaza. But I also hope that when they do, social media isn’t once again awash in pro-Hamas misinformation and propaganda suggesting that the kidnapped Israelis were treated well by the militant group.

As 105 hostages were slowly released during the pause in fighting over the end of November, a particularly unsettling phenomenon caught my eye as I perused social media: the crude denialism, even erasure, of Hamas’ atrocities toward their hostages in Gaza. It involved the active online participation of what could best be described as pro-Hamas publicity by sharing footage of Israeli hostages who appeared to be smiling, exchanging high-fives, waving and, at times, even expressing gratitude to their captors.

These images, the Hamas sympathizers insisted, were proof that the hostages had been treated decently and liked their Hamas guards. One user on X (formerly Twitter) wrote, “[Hostages] were having the time of their lives”; another one commented on how “they were treated well.” I find this very difficult to believe, especially since there have been instances where the hostages have taken the risk to attempt an escape from their captors – only to be tragically killed by the Israel Defense Forces by mistake. Furthermore, harrowing details shared by relatives of released hostages speak to beatings, hunger and lack of proper medical care.

As a former hostage of the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps of Iran (IRGC), I was distraught to see the misleading viral narratives disseminated about the Israeli hostages on social media. Iran is the country that set the blueprint for rogue hostage-taking when Islamist students held more than 50 US Embassy staff hostage following the 1979 Iranian Revolution, and unsurprisingly it is now funding Hamas.

It is true that hostage takers have good reason to keep their prisoners alive — they can extract a higher price for their release. While it is dangerous to idealize Hamas’ actions as humane, the fact that the hostages’ value lies in their well-being does mean their external conditions can appear relatively adequate. But even if there aren’t explicit signs of physical abuse, the psychological repercussions of terror and shock can take years for hostages to overcome. Leading psychiatrists have remarked on the necessity of extensive treatment for the trauma experienced by the hostages released from captivity in Gaza.

But it is wildly problematic to read any meaning into one orchestrated moment of release when hostages were still under Hamas control. In these politically precarious times, our social media landscapes have transformed into virtual war zones. It’s imperative to acknowledge that every hostage release serves as a carefully curated photo opportunity for Hamas, and for us to understand what the accurate experience of hostages in these circumstances is.

Much of the footage depicting the hostages was selectively filmed and disseminated by Al-Qassam Brigades, Hamas’s military wing, further confirming assertions that these hostages are being exploited for propaganda purposes. Anyone looking at the images of the hostages in Gaza should understand that, still surrounded by gun-toting militants in Gaza, they possessed minimal agency and limited rights to free will.

Watching this unfold, I took to X to offer my personal perspective on the psychological impact of traumatic entrapment in hostage situations, receiving some 2.5 million views in 24 hours. As both a former hostage and an expert trained in analyzing information warfare, it was important for me to counter the online narratives that irresponsibly sought to espouse the virtuosity of Hamas.

In a situation where your entire life depends on the caprice of your captor and there is great unpredictability in their next move, our brains, which are wired to ensure our survival, will indeed do what it takes to minimize the risk of harm, including appeasement or even collaboration. Not coincidentally, Evin prison is notorious for obtaining false confessions from detainees.

Once I was finally released in 2018, I underwent extensive therapy and rehabilitation over hundreds of hours. But I continue to endure daily the physical and psychological scars from those four years in Iran. As a survivor with an enduring post-traumatic stress disorder, my fight/flight/freeze signals fire off at lightning speed and I struggle to revert to my normal state. For example, at any given moment, my heart can race up to 270 beats per minute and stay there for hours – until it dissipates on its own, with medication or with electrical cardioversion.

Just like it’s wrong to make assumptions about the hostages’ physical appearance and well-being upon their release, it’s also wrong to read into decisions on whether they are speaking publicly or not, as some on social media also did. The released hostages may opt to stay silent to avoid jeopardizing those who remain captive, for instance.

In my case, I refrained from speaking out publicly for the first year after my release because my parents were still held captive in Iran; I worried any statement I made could have been used against them. Eventually, they were let go and managed to return to the UK, though it took over a year of negotiations and, ultimately, the confiscation of approximately £5.5 million ($7 million) worth of their assets by the IRGC as a form of ransom payment.

Given these realities, the sensationalist commentators that make light of the ordeal of the hostages, or provide Hamas an equal platform for positive PR, are engaging in irresponsible behavior that could endanger those still being held. The publicity can encourage Hamas and its affiliate militant groups to continue engaging in the creation of propaganda at the expense of the victims’ privacy and dignity – or worse, incite further incidents of hostage-taking.

Some may deny the victimhood of the hostages to emphasize the horrors experienced by the Palestinian civilians in Gaza. With the death toll reported by the Hamas-controlled health ministry surpassing 20,000 in Gaza, the lives of 129 hostages may seem insignificant in comparison.

But those professing moral integrity must resist the temptation to engage in shallow comparisons based solely on numbers. Accepting and sympathizing with one group’s suffering does not negate the other – although the devastation and rage we feel, fueled by online misinformation and live-streamed deaths, may often cloud our ability to see to this truth.

At the same time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu seems more inclined to continue the IDF’s attack on the Gaza Strip – choosing destruction over precision – rather than prioritizing negotiations for the safe return of his own citizens.

With over 100 estimated hostages still awaiting their release from Hamas amidst the deteriorating political landscape, there is an urgency to restore the humanity and freedom of persons ripped from their homes and dragged through tunnels at the point of a gun. The preservation of our shared empathy and truth will stand as the ultimate test of how we handle the conflict that confronts us.

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