Let’s stop pretending that parades are fun

(CNN) — I’ve always questioned Ferris Bueller’s judgment.

Not because he skipped school, deceived his parents, and broke countless laws while playing hooky.

I question him because he had such a good time at that damn parade.

Before the first note of “Twist and Shout” even played, I wondered why he would bother hijacking a parade float to lip synch a few songs. By the time the scene was over, the movie had nearly lost me completely.

Admittedly, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is, well, a movie. But there was one nitpick I could not look past: no one has EVER had that much fun at a parade.

If it sounds like I’m being a party pooper, it’s because I am: I just don’t understand parades.

I don’t get why people bother organizing them. I don’t get why you’d want to march in one. And I certainly don’t get why anyone would want to attend one.

To be fair, there is a rich history of parades in America. When the Allies won World War II, there was a ticker tape parade down New York City streets to commemorate victory. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is an annual holiday tradition and appointment TV viewing for many families. When a pro sports team wins a championship, thousands of fans turn out to revel in the glory.

All that cheering and smiling and flag-waving suggests fun is being had. I’m just not buying that it actually is.

Think about all you must do if you want to go see one of these things in person. You need to schlep your things downtown so you can stake out a spot, sometimes many hours before the parade even starts. You may end up walking miles down the route for a good view, so you’ve already made a parade of it by the time you get there.

Then if you have kids, you need to make sure they can see by either shoving people out of the way to get to the front or putting them on your shoulders. (The people standing behind you definitely love their newly obstructed view.)

When the parade actually starts, you may wait for over an hour for the action to arrive at your spot. And then, when it finally does, you see the float or the marching band for a few minutes — or maybe even just seconds — and then they just … keep walking.

Talk about a letdown.

For those marching in the parade, it can mean hours of walking on hot concrete while wearing uncomfortable uniforms or costumes.

Then there’s the inconvenience it causes for everyone else in town who are just trying to go about their day — they have to navigate blocked roads, detours and general overcrowding.

Security — and crowds — can be tight along the parade route. For the claustrophobic among us, standing shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of strangers with limited exit opportunities isn’t exactly a festive feeling.

But as I mentioned, parades do have a place in this country’s history — and I think that’s part of the problem. We continue to do them because we’ve always done them, and it plays into our nostalgia for a simpler time.

Today’s times are anything but simple though, and I think we can come together and celebrate in a way that doesn’t amount to standing along the side of the road.

According to historians, one of the first documented “parades” held after the US Constitution was ratified in 1788 was more akin to a communal meal than a processional. We could try that. What’s more American than a cookout?

Or how about a concert? Some of the same gripes may exist, but at least the music lasts more than five minutes.

Now, I can be realistic about this. I don’t think parades are going away any time soon.

I just want people to stop pretending they actually enjoy them as much as they seem to. There are plenty of other ways to get outside and celebrate whatever it is you’re celebrating. Let’s not let nostalgia box us in.

Remember, as a rebellious high schooler once said: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

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